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a reflection [Jan. 31st, 2011|07:20 pm]
particles of truth

upon the day...
I love that chinese food taste great cold the next day!

I'm feeling kind of rejected... I got a package in the mail today, I got all excited, turned out to be some posters... they were MEN posters but I was expecting more.
I'd forgotten what it feels to be 2nd best, I'm not diggin' it

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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no babies [Jan. 22nd, 2011|10:48 am]
particles of truth

my docs 'visit' was by the most awkward experience ever... the lady was really nice, she gave me the 'play by play' as she called it.
I understood why they told me to take some ibuprofen before the appointment, when I told the nurse I couldn't she seemed very worried.
I ended up taking some, and I am SO glad that I did.
I never knew what cramps were before this. I was in bed all night. ugh, I really wondered if it was the right decision. it hurt SO much, I can't stress it enough.
I think I should have just gone 'all
out' if it's gonna feel like this the next time.
the reason I ended up not getting the essure is that it may interfere with getting an MRI. I think that's kind of important.

OMG! I just saw an infomercial for a replica of princess Diana's ring. it's mine. :-). in to Internet shopping :-)

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Mr Doc [Jan. 21st, 2011|02:34 pm]
particles of truth

seems like at the docs once a week, hopefully this will be the last of this month at least. I'm getting kinda scared/worried/anxious. I wanted to get full on sterilized but they really tried to discourage...
my turn.

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Writer's Block: Free your mind [Jan. 17th, 2011|01:41 pm]
particles of truth
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Do you believe society will ever truly overcome racism?

if we all work together race should not be an issue.
I truly believe that it is us, or those, who refer to others as such and such make it an issue.
we divide ourselves by simply saying that another is of a certain race, why does it matter, are we not all human?

I must have been five or six when i was told or realized that there was such a thing. I remember not understanding, why would a person not like another simply because of race. It didn't fit in my little mind, i don't think i even understood race, but did know that it was based on how others looked.

What is race but a square on a survey?

today. i still don't understand it.
recently i came upon a survey, it gave me the options of
-white
-white (non hispanic)
-black
-mongoloid

seriously? it led me to ask, where would someone of my origin fit into? the survey wouldn't let me continue without choosing one.. not that i wanted to finish.

i really believe that if we make an issue of it, and continue to refer people as a certain race are contributing to the issue.

there was a song that i heard numerous times, it was in Portuguese, i loved it SO much, it was my favorite song, i would make my parents play it over and over. for my tenth birthday a neighbor gave me a music box with the same tune, i was SO happy, i hadn't heard it in a couple years, i really couldn't believe that i held it in my hand.
it turns out it was "imagine" by john lennon.

not knowing what the song was, or what it meant the love and conviction in the music and words in that song are and have always been how who i am, and what i have always believed the world will be.   
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(no subject) [Jan. 17th, 2011|01:13 pm]
particles of truth
i hope that one day the tear ducts will be able to dry up or surgically removed. hm, i wonder if you would still feel like crying then...

i don't want to leave the house.. my tunnel closed or the reason on the other side.
love hate which ever it is, i am the only one who can change it. i try to make it for the best. maybe not as hard as i should.
i need to get out of this environment.
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(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2011|04:43 pm]
particles of truth

I left the mall sad that I couldn't buy anything, so I spent my couple bucks on fries and a frosty

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at the mall [Jan. 13th, 2011|03:26 pm]
particles of truth

as it started out, I couldn't fight back the tears this morning.
the day has taken a turn, a good one.

i finally heard from someone I was VERY worried about, I understand not wanting to talk.

I'm sitting at the mall, I think it's becoming a place of comfort once again. a sort of tunnel back into the real world. I can't remember the last time I hung out like, just hung out by myself.

although I'm here to return all the stuff I put on credit like a crazy person. purpose or not I'm enjoying the afternoon.
dreading home, there's only cleaning to do, and expectations to fulfill. heh...

maybe that is why I am here, avoiding other things... is it just me being a pessimist again?

I hope this weekend goes well I need some resolution, if that's the right word... and we're back to, purpose. I hope I'm someones purpose. here are feelings and expectations.

circles and circles, circles and circles.
I'm happy today, cleaning to do, hopeful for the future and all.

optimism, Lets Do This!!

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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2011|07:05 pm]
particles of truth
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the intangible
can I live with out it? I guess it's one of those days that I wish I was numb to the world.
as much as I know d&g isn't an answer I can't help it. I don't know how else to stop the "water works."
sleep is another escape, o guess that's all I want, an escape from my perfect little life (and no lie about that)

I was told this is a cry for help. I don't see it as that. I see it as "therapy" of my own kind.
things I cannot say... for mor than one reason.

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another new year... 2011 [Jan. 8th, 2011|05:18 pm]
particles of truth
just started watching nick and norah's infinite playlist, looks promising.
I was doing netflix before this...

i don't know what to say about this new year... my thoughts have been going in circles in part it seems like the world is against me, but then again it's like the universe is trying to make me deal. With things that i haven't, with things that i should, with things that i need to, with things that i want to, with things i avoid.
Everything started on the right foot, I talked to the most important people in my life and reconnected with others that I love and have soo missed.

After getting home and with high spirits to drive off into the world, my world.. the car is dead... devastated, i sat on the curb only to notice.. FLAT TIRE.

so the great plans.. gone. again... wrong foot.
I woke up last night and my left arm was numb and tingly.. does that mean anything.

anyway.

at least i didn't wake up on the floor of a hotel room with blood all over my hair.

live up to your expectations!!
...some day

Cheers to a new year
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another happy Christmas [Dec. 24th, 2010|07:49 pm]
particles of truth
[mood |anxiousanxious]

It's the first Christmas in a while that I had been willing and not too inhibited to participate, now i wish it would be over. There's so much pressure... or maybe i just take it that way.

I went to the docs last wednesday, i really wanted to speak but there was another lady who was working with the doctor so I just fought back the tears and didn't ask for the change that i wanted. There is always next month.

Am i crazy for not wanting to spend time with the fam? My older sister is too controlling, my younger sister is too, hmm, loud. My parents, mom talks and talks because no one else does, and when she's gone, dad talks serious talk. Maybe i'm the one that is too serious to join anyone else's conversation and make my own life too serious in my head.

I'll live, here comes another year, maybe i'll get stronger, and grow older, and more understanding. I often feel selfish, like i expect that people care about my thoughts and feelings, shouldn't someone? But again, i never share these things. I don't like to cry, and so here this ends. as always with a couple tears.
back to dinner.
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